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There are two primary stages in Swinging:
In the individuation process of the second stage, a woman becomes selective because she no longer needs to prove she is desired or can satisfy other men.
In order to make the experience meaningful, she arrives at a point where she feels that she must refuse the advances of many men. She learns to define her preferences more clearly and to learn to act on these preferences. This is an experience that many women never have because they rely on their husbands to make decisions in social situations. In short a woman learns to individuate both herself and others in the second stage of swinging.
Men, similarly, learn from swinging. Once a swinger realizes that his physical responses may very well be due to elements that inhere to the individual relationship rather than to innate sexual inadequacy, he has arrived at a very different conception of sexual relationships. He is better able to see women as human beings to whom he may be attracted and as personalities rather than as objects to be exploited for their sexual potential. In our terms, he can now more successfully individuate relationships with women.
Swinging ordinarily does not result in jealousy or marital break-ups, it may succeed in solidifying marriages by re romanticizing them and thereby making them tolerable and perhaps even enjoyable. One reason for marital happiness among swingers: Swinging is an activity both spouses do together -- a unique pattern compared with other types of extramarital sex. Most people who continue to participate in swinging believe that such co marital sex embellishes and enriches marriages in all areas, especially in the erotic sector. While most swingers report that it makes a good marriage better, swinging evidently cannot very often save a poor marriage. Some swingers feel that a weak marriage probably will not survive swinging and that perhaps in such cases couples shouldn't swing. A very strong marriage will survive swinging -- but it a marriage is strong, why the need to swing? Hey, why not!
You get to wondering year after year a little bit more about if you could possibly make it with another gal: what would it be like; you want a little bit of variety; you don't love your partner any less but you want something a little bit deterrent. Just the newness of it, the experience with another person is very electrifying. It charges you up. It gives you something that you just can't get from someone that you know very, very well even though you may love them dearly. You just can't it under those circumstances. With swinging you have the opportunity to meet other people. You go with someone and have a sexual experience with someone else and no one thinks the less of you for it.
Some think "Oh, horror, that's supposed to be terrible". Well it isn't terrible and if you're free enough to allow your partner to have the same freedom, then this is fine. It used to be taken for granted that the man could go out and get himself a gal here and there and not too much flap came from this, but if the woman did it -- 'Oh, " again, "that's terrible and horrible". I can't accept that as being horrible and neither can my wife accept it as being horrible. As far as we're concerned, it is a good way to charge yourself up once in a while and get yourself an experience that you just can't get any other way. Your experiences with someone else enhance your own sexual experiences with your own partner. There are just some things you can't do with your own, you have to get them from outside sources.
Most swingers believe: Swinging is not for all married couples. They do believe that swinging is better than sneaking around corners and lying to the partner about an outside relationship. Most agree with the statement "I think if two people agree on sex other than with their partners, then swinging perhaps is for them". To most swingers sex is a recreation which also satisfies a bodily hunger. Why do female swingers get involved?
As far as being asked why have you married if you're going to get into swinging. I have a lot more emotional aspects of life other than just sex. Sex is just one part of it. I have many years invested in building a complete and total relationship with my husband. Sex, like I say, is just one facet of it and it's been exclusive where as all my other relationships with people have not been exclusive. I'm able to talk to people. I'm able to dance with people, with all these things then why can't I have sex with them ? It doesn't have anything to do with the exclusive relationship I have with my partner, who happens to be my husband. This is my choice and it's the total, exclusive relationship that I want to keep and want to have and I don't want to get rid of; yet. I do have needs to have sexual fulfillment that I can't get from just one type of person. One person can't satisfy all my needs, and I can't satisfy all of anybody else's needs. As far as I can see, that's impossible.
Swingers systematically report that they find it very difficult to go to what they call "straight" parties where they end up playing the couples' game, flirtation games, and other kinds of games. Most of them believe that at swinging parties one does not have to play games, put up the couple front or flirt, one is able to get down to the basics of life and have sex with one another it it is mutually desirable.
Reasons for Swinging and finding swing partners? It is generally felt that you can divide swingers into those who participate for recreational and those who participate for utopian reasons. Recreational swingers see swinging as a social activity much like bowling, playing tennis and cards. Utopian swingers have a general philosophy of communitarians and wish to share not only sex but all other aspects of life with their fellow participants.
At this time there are relatively few scientific data that indicated what long-term effect swinging actually has on marriages. Nevertheless there is a general belief among swingers that swinging has a positive effect upon a marriage. They believe that sexual fidelity is harmful and breeds jealousy and a feeling of ownership between a husband and wife. According to them swinging does away with jealousy and helps each mate see the other as an individual and not as a possession. Another reason for participating in swinging is boredom with marital sex. Swingers feel that it is impossible for one person to satisfy another sexually over an extended period of time. Swinging is seen as a method of adding new excitement to the marriage, perhaps even salvaging it. Most swingers know couples who have tried to salvage a bad marriage by swinging, but they ague that this generally has not been very successful. Most swingers believe that swinging alone cannot save a bad marriage. They do believe that it can strengthen a good marriage.
There may be deeper psychological reasons for swinging. It is believed that men may need to translate early sexual fantasies into reality and that women may be fulfilling social-romantic needs. Some believe that because of the marginality of the new middle class, they seek experiences with others in order to feel they belong. They participate in swinging to develop social ties and to satisfy the need for sexual fulfillment that is a result of their restrictive middle-class backgrounds. Swinging gives them an opportunity to do both without disrupting their general lifestyle.
All reasons, whether social, psychological, or sociological, are at the present time only speculation. One could easily conclude that the reasons for participating in swinging are as varied as swingers themselves.
Jealousy In Swinging
Generally, swingers do not show jealousy on the surface. Most swingers argue that this is because by going to parties together and leaving together, they realize their commitment to each other as a couple. Thus, they do not feel threatened because the other partner has gone into another room to have sexual relations with another individual. One such swinger said, "We both know that each of us have experiences with other people and, yet, we come back to each other because we want to be together" They feel that this gives you a feeling of security that you never had before because you feel and know that the partner is coming back to you even though they have had a sexual relationship with someone else. They feel that this builds up self confidence and security.
For a couple to engage in swinging, they must throw off the belief that having sexual relations outside of marriage is improper, they must break the shackles of the double standard. That is, the wife will be having sexual relations with other males much as the male may have had sexual relations outside the marriage with another partner previously.
In an interview with a swinger magazine, one woman swinger reported:
I always felt perhaps I didn't have a normal response, because I was never jealous .To me, it was always a compliment when my husband would have a good relationship with someone. Gee, he's my partner. Its sort of a reflection of me, and the reason I feel this way is because I remember my first party where it was kind of late at night and I was sitting by the fireplace waiting for my husband and he appeared with this attractive woman and she came up to me and gave me a big hug and kiss and said "I'm so glad you came tonight. You have such a terrific husband " It made me feel, not jealous, but warm and good and great. And she's been our friend and I'm grateful to her because I've never been jealous. Quite the opposite. That's what it's all about. Sharing a good thing.